Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You Might Also Like
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.