Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You Might Also Like
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.