[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Selfie
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?