Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not