Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…