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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I get distracted pretty eas
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me driving through Toronto
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
constantly working on myself.