How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Challenge accepted.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”