I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me adding lol on a serious message
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Thanks to a fan for this one.