*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”