trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
You Might Also Like
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.