the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
live, laugh, laundry.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.