Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
What the hell happened here.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.