It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.