“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Jesus Christ lmao
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I know this now 😂
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Don’t forget to tip your server
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
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