If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Merica.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog