Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
💯😂
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.