I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Finally a use for spoilers…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire