me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag