“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
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wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”