“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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“you recording!?”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Still a very good boi….
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap