Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears