You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
oh u like geography? name every lake
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video