CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence