I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Spring of Deception
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.