Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?