4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
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. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
good work, detective
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”