Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.