Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Check out the legs on this baby
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.