How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH