I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….