[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.