Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.