Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
You Might Also Like
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?