Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.