*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I just love that new Pope smell.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!