Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”