Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.