Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Thank you corporation very cool
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.