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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.