Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.