If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Thursday Thought.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”