Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Hard not to take this personally
I have two kinds of followers
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
It be like that sometimes 😆
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids