Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Grandmother clock.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.