“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!