My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
You Might Also Like
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
is this meant to deter me
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes