I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know