*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
You Might Also Like
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?