Not all heroes wear capes.
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.