Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.