Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
*Inspirational Tweets*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
fair
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Who’s your best friend?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.